Have you ever had a conversation with someone that was listening but not hearing you? What about a conversation where someone was sort of listening? You knew that they were multi tasking and they were ‘yes-ing’ you?
In the office, are you on a continual webex or conference call? In my current role, this mode of operation dominates my work life. These calls can be split into two main categories:
- Listen and Direct Mode: These are the calls where I have to attend, and perhaps provide some direction when things hit a snag. My active engagement in the call as a participant is largely diminished.
- Engage Directly Mode: These are the calls where I am active participant and it can span from a 1:1 setting to a very large group setting.
In the past, in both scenarios – I was prone to multi tasking – in the hopes of accomplishing more in less time. More recently, I’ve established a habit of never multitasking on the Engage Directly Mode type of calls. I’m fully present and attuned to everything going on. It has reached a point where I can tell viscerally what is going on with the other end of the phone. The emotional state of people can be conveyed in the voice, pauses, cadence of voice, and tone – if you know how to listen. I’m cultivating this skill every single day. It has transformed a number of working relationships that I have, and I’ve had a few folks that have been working with on an extended basis – comment on how things are very different. People can tell if you are really listening and attempting to connect with what they are saying.
You want to talk about authenticity? It starts with listening and being there in the moment. I mean with yourself first when you are alone, say on a sabbatical or even as you are winding down at night. Being in the present is a God given gift. When it involves someone else, it is a compelling force that magnetizes the relationship.
- You want to know why this is?
- By default, we as a culture are disconnected and frantic.
- We are onto the next thing.
- We are multitasking.
- We are focused on production.
- We are under pressure.
- We do not have the time.
Okay, I may be projecting – those were all statements that were true for me, be default until very recently. Again – the default mindset being applied to this notion of being present and mindful of the relationship at hand.
Here’s what I have discovered in the past six months – now that I’ve altered my approach to go beyond listening/hearing – and moving into being related in a conversation.
- It freaks people out.
- Many are surprised by the connection and to have someone actually listening to them.
- Many will increasingly share more and more – knowing that you are truly attempting to connect.
- Many will attempt reciprocal relatedness.
- There are a minority of people that are not ready for this level of connectedness and they will react negatively. They have been able ‘to skate through’ communications knowing that the majority today are NOT truly paying attention.
I have experienced all of the above, it is a new world.
I am now doing this relatedness first approach to communications in both my professional (my employee role) and my non professional (everything else) interactions. I have witnessed a lot of people getting rattled. Those that have known me the longest are typically the ones that have been the most rattled by my new approach. I did not tell anyone that I was employing a new approach to my listening until this post. However, many have been calling me out as being different since December.
I have employed a few techniques where I am engaging actively:
- No more multitasking. If I am in a conversation, the phone is flipped upside down or in the drawer.
- Screens are off – unless I’m taking notes. Particularly at work, I’ll take notes of what is said and what is unspoken, but also said. This is the only thing I’m looking at.
- I may be active, it gets the juices flowing. In a particularly engaging conversation, I find myself walking around or doing something athletic in nature to ensure I’m fully engaging my mind and body in the conversation. If the facts are important, I will take notes – if the vibe and emotional context are the bigger elements in the conversation. Chances are – I’m walking while talking with you.
Perhaps you can stop multitasking in your conversations as a first step – people will notice your level of focus. They may not verbalize it right way, and I promise they will have a sense of something is in play with you. They will respond in new and unusual ways.