A few years back, I stopped accepting The Script that said as I age – I will age out on the vitality scale, eventually being a tired middle aged guy that does not care enough to invest into himself. I knew the next stop after becoming the guy that did not care enough to truly take care of himself… Trust me, the direction I was on had me landing on an operating table sooner than I ever wanted.
And I HATE the thought of going to the hospital.
What to do if the aging process is inevitable and I am bound to die anyway? Well, I knew that physically I could slow things down substantially and even reverse some of the setbacks I had recently experienced.
Looking back – breaking my leg in 2015 was THE catalyst for so much of the change I have experienced over the past few years. It was during this timeframe that I realized that I was broken in more ways than one, and that my first broken bone in my entire life was a wake up call.
I started to take stock of my lifestyle.
Of my conduct.
Of my ownership across it all.
I noticed that no longer had the electricity that was mine to command for much of my life. I realized that somewhere I had lost that ability to get electric and stay that way for weeks if not months.
In short, I was fatigued.
I was tired.
I was operating under a default mindset too. This was the core of the issue.
Wait a second, was I old?!??
Then as I was doing my physical therapy, I realized that I was a shell of the guy I had been in many ways, but the most obvious shell was my horrendously weak body. I could barely do any weight in terms of a leg press in a sled. Granted, my leg was broken in three places, however even my good leg was weak as shit.
Somewhere during that three months of joking heavily with the staff at the ortho, and getting pushed harder to strengthen my physical body – something else snapped.
I vowed to get healthy, and to hopefully avoid surgery.
I vowed to come back stronger with even more range of motion.
Most importantly, I was sick of so much shit across the board in my life.
It started with taking stock of so much that was clearly off in my life.
It started to admit that I did not recognize the tired guy that was not handling my vitality in overly effective way.
It started with getting more serious with the marriage counseling that was going on at the time.
It started with my realizing that I had stopped learning on a daily basis.
It started with an emerging realization that everything I had been led to believe was in many ways – not my narrative.
I became aware of The Script as my default.
Here’s The Script I was following up until that point, tell me if you have heard any of this before:
- Do well in school, play sports, and graduate high school with good grades.
- Attend a good college, and do well there too to parlay into…
- Get a decent job right out of school…
- Find a good girl and put a ring on her finger…
- Buy a house with at least two bedrooms to …
- Have a kid or two or three or four…
- Work your ass off at your career for the family …
- Save for college, have fun with the kids, wife, and obligatory dog…
- Don’t forget to save for retirement…
- Get the kids out of the house and off to college so they can follow the same script…
- Live reasonably well in retirement and love on the family and friends…
- Eventually realize the legacy questions have been answered
- Make peace with God
- Die
By the way, many have timelines associated with these life events, per the script. For example, the kids need to be out of the house by 50 or so. This way you can bankroll for retirement without having to deal with the kids being in the home.
Talk about the templatized life plan. Follow The Script and you will be happy, that’s why this is The Script after all.
And I know many that are following this plan. I have witnessed plenty of folks that are following this approach to their lives and legacy as the default plan. I was doing this as well – by default.
It pains me to admit that I was one of these people living by default – knowing what I know now.
Then there are other folks out there that have chosen to follow this plan for their lives, knowingly doing so. For me, I applaud those that are choosing – whatever it is that you choose. There is genius and joy in the choice.
I am not ever going to judge the defaulting approach nor the chosen approach for those in my life. If it works for you, if it provides the meaning you aspire to, and if the approach provides for the happiness you feel you deserve. Sweet. I am pumped for you.
If you are one of the folks that is defaulting – I want so much more for you if you are ready for it. It is possible to have so much more of everything in your life than The Script – by default.
For me – the default mindset and template life plan I was largely following at the time, was working by most accounts. I was happy, although I had a nagging sense that there was more out there.
Well, let’s just say I was right on point in The Script when the whole thing got torn up.
Looking back, I had thought the divorce decision was the turning point for The Script to be thrown out the window.
As I continued to dig into this notion of scripts being lit on fire – I isolated a conversation or two with my personal therapist/coach/counselor. That was when I uncovered the truth or so I thought. I can remember telling him that I had uncovered so much truth, and that was causing so much to dissolve around me – this had to be the moment. This preceded the decision to divorce. Well, I was still not at the genesis of change.
Most recently, I’ve landed upon the time I spent during physical therapy. This was the timeframe when I realized I had lost the electricity. That I was no longer having the fun I enjoyed in much of my life – many times dealing with very meaningful endeavors and conversations. I was disconnected from so much that I loved in my life, let along The Source. The root cause of this is likely another post or two down the line.
I had become a routinized guy literally limping through the day in a fatigue fog.
So it began on those Thursday and Friday mornings particularly when I was driving myself to those appointments – that things were going to change.
Frustration.
Anger.
Borderline helplessness given my physical condition.
Somewhere in that process – the tide turned for me. I began to rediscover a true sense of hope…
That the fatigue I felt could be reversed.
That I could rebuild and come back stronger.
That I knew there was some additional truths out there waiting for me, as I had been too busy to focus on myself.
So that’s when I knew there was more to be had, to be, and that this script I was living needed to be the one that I was going to author. The Script was bullshit, not because of The Script itself, but because I was following it without a basis for following it for myself. The hollow was real on multiple fronts… Sounds so eloquent now doesn’t it? Well it was not at the time…
Let me tell you, I was largely clueless how it was going to happen. (more on ‘how manifestation’ later…)
What I did know is that I was going to do better and to be better, regardless of what ended up happening. It started by being relentless in that PT room, and I have continued ever since in this journey.
The journey has been one of Grace first and foremost, and I will be spending some more time outlining how I have been writing my own movie/script ever since – based upon my choices.
No more equating my current conditions, circumstances, beliefs, emotions, thoughts as things that are done to me or that I am powerless to control. This is the sort of stuff that equates to template lives. Even during my darkest days – I knew I had choices. I just did not yet realize that the choices I thought I had – were all preselected and grouped for me by The Script I was following.
No more defaults for me. Now I am operating off the page, and I’m not standing in your lines anymore.
My mindset had changed on a Friday morning. Covered in sweat and embarrassment – I realized things were going to be different. Fast forward a few years….
Opportunities abound and choices are ready for the courageous. The best part is that they were always there waiting for me to open up to them.
I am willing to bet this is a truth for everyone reading this.
Be courageous, and enjoy The Grace that is there ready to help you.