Are you a Nice Guy? Do you relent on what you want when faced with conflict? Do you forego pushing for what you want in your workplace and with your spouse? Do you ‘go with the flow’ to get along with everyone? I can tell you that I know quite a few guys that are nice guys in certain areas of their lives, and in other areas they are exceptionally aggressive. Talk about a dichotomy.
As a man, this dynamic of being a nice guy is degenerative. You may not even realize it consciously, it can be very insidious, it can be very subtle, but you will resent yourself. Your daily behaviors of giving in will increasingly diminish your level of self respect.
At some point however, the light does go on for some guys, and they realize that they have been giving to so many for so little return. The intended outcome of making the other person feel good is a bullshit outcome that truly never materializes. When you yourself are unclear on what you want, you are unable to achieve a healthy level of self respect.
Other people notice this, and the abusive or power hungry in your life will play off of this weakness – fully taking advantage of your lack of self respect. The truth is this – others are likely to not respect you – if you do not respect yourself to begin with. If you seek respect, then you do not have enough for yourself.
If you are seeking respect – take this as a sign for some increased introspection – as you are seeking something that only you can provide to yourself.
Yet, the Nice Guys continue to give and give with the expectation this will garner respect and appreciation from those around them. Instead, these guys truly are victimizing themselves, many times unconsciously. So how do you begin to turn this around and gain more confidence, and no longer folding like a tent to achieve happiness?
You get your ass on record.
You actually get clear on what it is you want.
Turn off the baseball game and take a moment to consider what it is that is most important to you. If you have a boss that continuously Bill Lumberg’s you – as in dropping an assignment every Friday at 4pm to wreck your weekend, and you just take it – is that really what you want?
What if you have a spouse that takes every other Saturday out with friends leaving you home with the kids? Is that what you truly want? Would you rather be going out with your spouse with a babysitter at home with the kids? Or what if you were to go out with your buds on a regular schedule? Yet, you stay home with the kids while they go out doing what they want. You are so nice.
Here’s the point – where you have regret or frustration in your life – ask the question – am I being assertive on what I truly want and expect? I bet the answer is a big fat no.
If you have areas of friction that involve regret and lack of resolve – the key is raise your level of self respect and of clarity – so that you can be assertive. This is the key to being true to yourself.
Once you have your ass on record in terms of what you want and what is non negotiable – then, and only then can you actually be assertive.
No more wishy washy bullshit guys.
Stop asking your wife where she wants to go to dinner or what she wants to do when you go out on a date. Take a stand and offer a point of view. You want to have an awesome steak and grab drinks, say so. You want to hit a concert for a band that maybe she does not want to go to – say so anyway. Get on record with a point of view that you are convinced of.
At work, push back on your boss and tell him that you are out of town next weekend, and if he needs your help this Friday at 4 – say no you are traveling as you had already informed him days earlier. You have to begin taking a stand for what is important for yourself, and then communicate that effectively to those around you.
This communication piece is something I have been asked about by a few folks recently. It is the outward game that people notice with me, that I am very clear with my communications on what I expect and want. By no means am I perfect, believe me. However, I have gotten quite good at getting what I want by seemingly communicating it effectively. This is a big time skill that can payoff across many dimensions of life. However, this is not the key – it is important to be an effective communicator – sure it is.
What is most important is the inner game. You have to know what is important, and if you have that well understood – then the outbound interactions you have with others will flow very, very naturally. People will not meddle with you once you possess this clarity. You may not be the best communicator, however if people know that you are seriously clear on what you want – they will not play games. They may attempt to push you in their direction, which is totally fine, what they won’t do is screw around with games.
People will treat you increasingly directly or they themselves will fold in the face of your clear eyes piercing them with the expectation of getting that empty table in the packed restaurant. I can share many, many stories from my own experience and from watching my father take control of a situation with just a look. It comes from being exceptionally clear on what you want in a given situation.
For those of you that are facing down the Nice Guy in the mirror, cultivate your expectations and unalterable needs prior to entering into a given situation. If you have a review coming up with your boss – go into it with a game plan in mind. If you are going on a date – have a game plan. You have a client meeting coming up – get the game plan clear before getting in front of them. Be open to modifying the game plan as you enter the fray – flexibility is not weakness as long as you stay aligned with your core needs and unalterables. Proactively thinking through what you want before you enter into a situation will help in becoming more assertive.
Eventually, as you gain increased clarity across your life – the need for forethought prior to a specific situation or interaction will conversely be reduced. You will have the clarity flowing and you will naturally assert what it is you expect. This is when you have truly arrived as a high functioning adult. Self respect ensues.
You will notice how many other people are unclear.
You will notice how many other people will gravitate towards wanting to help you, as clarity is refreshing.
You will also be able to recognize others that have this power of clarity.
You will increasingly be treated as an equal by all of those around you, and in many cases – even treated as a superior by those that are less clear.
For those that treat you as a superior – given your clarity – this is where ethically conducting yourself and acting with integrity comes into play. This is the dynamic where you are truly nice. It comes from a place of self respect for yourself, and a healthy respect for the other person that may not view themselves with a corresponding level of self respect.
It is on those of us that have this strength to truly be nice and to respect the other person, perhaps even more than they do themselves.
This is a substantial departure from being covertly resentful of your giving nature as a Nice Guy. Being a Nice Guy is a passive way of life where you are giving from a posture of weakness.
Being truly nice is being assertive for yourself, and it is giving consideration and respect from a position of strength to those around you. If you lack self respect, you will never land in this new world.
People inherently feel the difference, and it is a welcomed feeling for everyone that receives this level of consideration. As you conduct yourself in this manner, you will be amazed at the level of warmth and increased attractiveness you will garner from all of those around you.
In a future article, I’ll dig into the mechanics of how to conduct yourself in an assertive manner – outwardly.
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